literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.