I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
