he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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