You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
