The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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