I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
