Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
