I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
