Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
