I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
