just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
