I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
