just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
