I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i love accidental penises.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
