so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
