My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
