The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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