Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
