): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
