4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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