my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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