I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am midnight drunk by noon
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
