I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
