I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
