trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
