i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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