Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
