dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
