I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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