just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
