Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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