Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
