Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
