I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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