so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
