Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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