God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
