ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
