tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
