my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
