Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
