i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
