I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.