Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
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Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
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I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages