hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.