You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink