youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I puked a lego.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
