dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
