He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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