he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
