Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize