the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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