before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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