I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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