If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
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HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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