The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
