Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
