I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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