possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
