They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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