We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
